Death is not a topic we relish discussing in the U.S. And yet, we know it’s coming for all of us. (I have written about dealing with death in a few LIFEies before that you can re-read if you want):
– What Have I Learned About Death: Yom Kippur sermon from Rabbi Steve Leder
– Suffering: One Man’s Quest to Change the Way We Die
– A Good End of Life: The Best Way to Experience a Peaceful Death
One area I find consistently lacking in my conversations with people as they age is actually getting prepared for death and thinking about a good death. Some don’t want to think about it, some don’t know where to start…. So, I have provided a simple practical list below and a nice article on where to start. Please take a few moments to read if you want some valuable insights. Here are three takeaways:
— Talk to your loved ones about what they (or you) want. I know it is hard. But it’s harder not knowing what your loved one wants and having to make decisions after a passing.
— Be present. The final days/hours will be etched in your memory. Be there for it. Make it peaceful for everyone.
— Take time to say goodbye. Some of the most profound moments in my life came as I said goodbye to both my parents, Bill Lee, and three (3) of our partners at Lee & Associates.
Here is a practical list to start if you want to get more prepared (How to prepare for a death – a checklist | Untangle Grief):
1. Write your last will and testament
2. Communicate your funeral wishes
3. Document all of your passwords
4. Share locations for important paperwork
5. Make a list of who needs to be told
6. Consider your social media daccounts
7. Make sure your car isn’t parked on the road
8. Ensure the executor has enough money
9. Arrange a home for your pet(s)
10. Check if there’s anything you want to get rid of
I hope you and all your loved ones experience a good death.
We Gave My Dad a Good Death. Here’s What That Means.
By: Elizabeth Bernstein
ILLUSTRATION: BIANCA BAGNARELLIWhen my dad was dying two years ago, I spent days sitting in bed beside him, listening to Chopin and Adele, reading his favorite Carl Sandburg poetry and reminiscing about our father-daughter sailing and kayaking trips. Although he was no longer conscious, I held his hand, told him I loved him and thanked him for being a fantastic father. He died, surrounded by family, while I was talking to him.I think we gave him a good death.Losing someone we love, even when that death is expected, is one of life’s most dreaded experiences. It can also be one of the most profound and meaningful, say experts in end-of-life care, such as hospice nurses, palliative-care doctors and death doulas. (Yes, they’re a thing.)
A game plan will help. It can be difficult—and terrifying—to think or talk about what happens at someone’s deathbed. Taking a practical approach can help you do your best when the time comes.
Some advice from those experts: Keep your final communication simple and loving. Take your time saying goodbye. And, above all, be emotionally present.
Logistics, timing and fear can prevent us from being with a loved one at the end, and that’s OK, they say. If you think you might have regrets later, try to be there. You won’t get a do-over.
In reporting this story, I heard from people who spent days at a loved one’s deathbed, holding their hand, massaging their feet, sharing favorite pictures or memories—even after the dying person was no longer verbally able to respond.
Some lit candles and brought special blankets, pillows or stuffed animals to comfort the dying person. Others read favorite books, poetry or psalms. Many played the person’s favorite music. Claude Debussy’s “Clair de Lune,” Judy Garland’s “Over the Rainbow” and REO Speedwagon’s “Time for Me to Fly” all received mentions.
Julie Menanno and her grandmother a month before she died. PHOTO: JULIE MENANNO
Julie Menanno spent four days at her grandmother’s deathbed—playing her favorite church music, giving her massages, telling her stories and singing silly songs. At night, she slept in a recliner next to the bed, holding her 96-year-old grandmother’s hand, which is what she was doing when she died.
“It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life, comparable only to the days I gave birth,” says Menanno, 48, a therapist in Bozeman, Mont.
Prepare yourself
If you can, talk with your loved one about their wishes. Don’t be afraid to bring up the topic. People often know when they’re dying. Ignoring what’s happening just makes the person feel isolated.
Explain that having a plan for the last moments of life will allow you to feel that you’re doing the best possible job taking care of them, suggests Bob Uslander, a palliative and end-of-life care physician in San Diego.
Some questions to ask: Who would you like to be there? Do you want medication to ease any distress? Are there songs, readings or prayers you’d like to hear?
Ask the medical team what to expect. All deaths are unique, but some things are common, such as restlessness, a change in breathing or consciousness, varied heart rhythm and even a rally of energy a few days before death.
“When you’re educated about what will happen, that cuts your fears in half,” says Narinder Bazen, a death midwife in Bangor, Maine.
Be present
Stop worrying about what comes after, such as the calls and arrangements you need to make. Those thoughts take you away from the present, says David Kessler, a death and grief expert and author of six books on the topic.
Make the room as peaceful as possible. “When we create this feeling around the person that fosters deep, deep relaxation, we allow them to let go,” Bazen says. Take the family drama outside. Ditto phone calls.
Say what’s in your heart, even if you think they can’t hear you. But keep it simple.
The author and her father sailing in Biscayne Bay, off Miami, 2010. PHOTO: THE BERNSTEIN FAMILY ARCHIVE
“You want them to hear what is important,” says Hadley Vlahos, a hospice nurse in Biloxi, Miss., and author of a book about life’s final moments. Say: “I love you.” “Thank you.” “I’ll be OK.” (If you have amends to make, “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you” will do.)
It’s OK to cry, experts say. Sharing your sadness shows how much you care.
When words fail, touch is enough. “Sometimes the best thing you can do is to sit quietly holding a person’s hand and letting them feel your unwavering, loving presence,” Uslander says.
Take your time saying goodbye
The moment of an expected death is not an emergency.
Let yourself take in the profound event. “There is an invitation to experience awe when a loved one dies,” Bazen says.
Keep talking, even after the person dies, Kessler recommends. Research shows that hearing may be one of the last senses to lose function. Don’t be afraid to touch. Some people prefer to wash and dress their loved one, but don’t feel guilty if you’re not feeling up to it.
Consider leaving the room before the hospice or funeral home staff come to take the body away.
Close out your day with a ritual or meaningful gesture. Have a family meal. Give a toast. Say a prayer. Light a candle.
After my dad died, we waited to call the funeral home and continued to tell him we’d miss him but would be OK. I also prayed silently for my dad to keep watching over me.
After about an hour, my sister gasped and pointed to my hand. My father’s fingers, limp before, had closed around my wrist.
That night, my family opened a bottle of champagne and went outside to watch the sunset. As we lifted our glasses, we repeated one final goodbye: “We love you, Dad. Sail on, Sailor.”